Everybody hurts, all of us. We are not alone in our struggle. But we can get better, we can seek help. You are Unique and special, but you don't have to do this alone.

"To hurt is as human as to breathe." -

J.K. Rowling - The Tales of Beedle the Bard

Resident Alien

I recently stumbled across the SyFy channel’s show Resident Alien. I’ve seen the ad numerous times, and I have loved Alan Tudyk ever since A Knight’s Tale, but I never got around to watching it, until this week. (If you’ve never seen A Knight’s Tale…what’s wrong with you?)

I had to fight the urge to binge!

I might go into more on the series later, but that’s not our direction today. I don’t like giving away spoilers, you’ll just have to watch it yourself. 

I HIGHLY recommend it.

In this episode, Harry (Tudyk) and Asta (Sara Tomko) go to visit her grandmother’s home. Within minutes of watching, the R.E.M. song “Everybody Hurts” is running through my head and it brought me here, to you.

I don’t have permission to play the song for you, so click here. Or post the lyrics, so click here.

We talk a lot about Happiness, Positive Thinking, Mindset, all that stuff. I mean, it’s the whole reason I do this.

But we can’t have that conversation without acknowledging the reason we NEED to… 

Everybody Hurts. All of us.

At some time or another, we all hurt. And it’s okay.

Everything that Glitters

image - pixabay - paxillop

We don’t like to admit we hurt. Somehow we’ve come to believe it shows weakness in us and if we are weak we can’t WIN.

I have spent the last 20 years looking for ways to strengthen my resolve, boost my self-confidence, and steel my mind against daily struggles. I share those with you, here.

Because I have to. Because life hurts and love stinks (sometimes).

This life we live is full of miracles, and beauty. It is a genuine blessing to be able to wake up and do it again, one more day; one more sunrise.

It’s also pain and loss. It holds suffering, disappointment, heartbreak, and death. For everyone.

We make the mistake, either by conditioning or misconception, that there are those out there who have escaped the slings and arrows that we suffer.

We see them living in big houses, and traveling around the globe. We see post, after post, on social platforms of them living their best life. We want it all, and we want it now!

Hell, there has been a TV show on the air for over 20 years that throws a couple of dozen single people into one house, then another single person comes to visit, takes them on lavish, extravagant dates, and finally picks one to “fall in love with”. And we keep watching. Knowing it’s BS.

On the first date with my wife we went to the local Pita Pit. I told her “You can order whatever you want. I have $7.00”. 

Look out Mr. Big Stuff!

Would I have rather dined on the beach or watched the people from a open air table in Italy? I’m not stupid, of course, I would have.

Image by stokpic from Pixabay

My wife watches the “Real Housewives”, Orange County, New York, Atlanta, Salt Lake, and Miami, I don’t know them all.

We love that Sh#@. It’s an escape for us, I know that.

You know what they DON'T film?

The Real Housewives of Idaho Falls, or El Paso, or Madison…nobody wants to watch that. That’s real life. We want to escape real life.

We LOVE reality TV. Because we know, in our hearts, it’s not Real.

Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?

But we THINK we would trade our sh#@ for their sh#@. Because theirs is shinier and more expensive, and somehow that means they don’t have quite as much, sh#@, as we do.

I can verify 100% that’s not even remotely true. I have rich friends, I have friends in low places. I know people and have connections who are very well off, generationally wealthy and they still suffer the pains of this life. 

Just like me and you.

I have a good friend who, in the last two years, became president of his family’s company. I have no reason to believe his income is less than high six, maybe seven figures per year. I watched him lose his grandfather last year, someone he was extremely close to. 

The houses, the private plane, and the toys didn’t keep him from hurting.

I could give you an endless string of examples here, you don’t need them. You read and watch, you know.

But we never openly acknowledge it.

Until today… EVERYBODY HURTS.

Thunderstorms and Rainbows, Sweet and Sour, blah, blah, blah…

I won’t do that to you. I won’t throw down all the crappy clichés. Let’s skip it. You get it, I get it.

Life is good, life is bad. Why are there so many songs about rainbows?

You appreciate one because of the other, done.

So let’s talk about the bad.

It’s Okay To Hurt

image - pixabay - grumpybeere

My wife actually gets credit for this one, don’t worry, it won’t be the last one you see.

I have experienced my share of loss, more than some, less than most. My suffering came mostly self-induced, but it's a my life...you're gonna hear my voice.

Poor self-image, lack of confidence, a DEEP sense of frustration and resentment from my religious upbringing. 

And guilt, oh man, GUILT is a mother#@#$er! Years and YEARS of guilt! You'd think I was Catholic.

She’s watched me chase this self-improvement, happiness, personal development thing for YEARS. She has seen me read hundreds of books and watch videos about mental toughness, discipline, and stoicism. She has witnessed high highs and some low lows. She’s also never been afraid to hit me with her best shot when I needed it.

After returning home one night from another unsuccessful attempt to push down my feelings, “pull up my bootstraps”, and “put on my big boy pants”, she sat down to comfort me on the couch.

Only she wasn’t there to comfort me.

“You know you’re lying to yourself, right?”, she said.

“Umm, usually Alex, but you don't have to phrase it in the form of a question.”

“All of this stuff you study, all your meditation, and journaling. All of the stuff you do to try and not have emotions. It’s all BullSh$#.”

I was instantly offended, so I politely asked for clarification…. “I’m not attempting to have NO emotions!”

“Yeah, you are, Dumbass!” she stated not-sweetly. “You think if you learn to control your emotions and walk around like a monk, or a Navy seal, or something, then regular life stuff won’t bother you.”

“Well Duh, of course I do. I need to be like David and Jocko. I want to WIN! I can’t have weaknesses in my line of work. I need to put on a front and be a winner.”

“So how’s that workin’ for you, genius?” She had me.

Dr. Phil and I spent the next several hours discussing the difference between NOT having emotions and not letting the emotions have YOU.

I mean, she doesn’t read, and she certainly doesn’t watch videos with me, how do women know this sh#@? But she was right...there will be no living with her after this.

“It’s okay to hurt, everybody hurts. You can’t avoid pain by pretending it doesn’t happen. All you’re doing is making both of us miserable because you fake it all day, then come home and crash at night.”

I began to realize she had just Mr. Miyagi'd the biggest point I had missed in all my studies.

“You can study all of the Happiness you want, but if you never come to terms with your own emotions and address them, you’re just putting lipstick on a pig.” She got that one from my South Texas dad.

And of course, I cried a little. I’m like that.

Seek Help

Let’s take a little side step here for a second. Most, if not all of what you and I will share together are tools. Tools to give us ways of changing our mindset, shifting the way we look at the world, and adjusting our perspectives on our reality. 

Tools to “create” more happiness, more success, a more fulfilling life.

You may just want a new drug...but they are not designed to replace actual, professional therapy or advice.

I could lift you up...even if the sky is falling, teach you to lift your spirits and get back to level when you’re having a down day. 

I can teach you to wax on, wax off and give you checklists to create daily practices that move your focus onto the positive instead of staying stuck in a negative rut. 

I am “really” good at showing you how to overcome self-doubt and insecurities that hold you back from reaching your potential.

And I can show you dozens of ways to find feelings of happiness in everyday life.

I’m not a doctor or a therapist. I’m just a guy who walked a similar road. Like Johnny Cash, I've Been Everywhere.

Sometimes people are dealing with deep-seated traumas and life experiences that need professionals to overcome. 

That’s okay too. It’s more common these days than not.

Don’t be afraid of that. More importantly, don’t let it kick your ass anymore. 

Have you seen the number of athletes, performers, and all those people on top of the world coming out to tell you it’s normal? Not just the “BetterHelp” TV ads either.

Seek help.

You are NOT ALONE! You’re not the first, you won’t be the last. That statement, in itself, does absolutely ZERO to help you…but it should.

Alone is a horrible place to be. It’s crippling. It’s all-consuming and sometimes the biggest obstacle to taking the steps we need to get the help we deserve. 

We “think” nobody else could possibly understand the level of our hurt, the depth of our trauma, or worse, how weak we are for “feeling this way” when so many other people have had so much more bad than we have.

All of those statements are lies!

EVERYBODY needs SOMEBODY to love...or talk to in this case!

If you’re not comfortable one-on-one, there are dozens of online services available these days.

I found a great article on the website verywellminded.com that went in-depth into examining the variety of online therapy services out there. Yes, they admit there may be paid links, but don’t let that affect your decision to do some research and find what works for you.

Here’s the link: https://www.verywellmind.com/best-online-therapy-4691206 (no, I’m not compensated)

I did NOT dig into each one myself. That’s not my purpose. I’m here to tell you it’s okay, get some help and then come back to see me.

My Wife, The Genius

Image by Enoch111 from Pixabay

So back to the conversation with Einstein.

What I started to understand, in the coming weeks, was that I had indeed been trying to “mask” my emotions and feelings instead of being okay with them and saying, “ok, now what?”

She had repeatedly told me that I needed to just be okay with me. Not to stop trying to improve and get better. But until I was “ok” with me, all the rest of this was just lipstick.

She said, “When will you accept that you are ENOUGH?”. “Yes, you can get better. Yes, you can improve parts of you that you don’t like. But you are ENOUGH, today, just the way you are.”

She had just speared my Moby Dick. We were dealing with the central core problem that had beaten me for most of my life, Self-Worth. Deep down, I thought I was a loser baby...

Coincidentally, Jamie Kern Lima just released her game-changing new book WORTHY - How to Believe You Are Enough and Transform Your Life.

Check it out at: worthybook.com (again, not compensated, but maybe one day…)

Where were you 4 years ago Jamie??!

Our entire conversation culminated when I spent most of a day at a little place called “The Garden of One Thousand Buddhas”. No, I’m not Buddhist, not really, but I’m learning to meditate and I had the day off.

(image via website : https://ewam.org/centers/ewam-usa/buddha-garden)

That day, on the side of a mountain, in a tiny little town in Western Montana I had your typical life-altering, metamorphic, “light bulb” moment. (Yeah, I know I’m a tad dramatic, sue me). So I did what most dramatic people do, I came home and got a tattoo. It's a real beauty...

It’s Latin. It’s not, I found out later, a perfect translation, but it works great for me and I’ll see it forever, and it will remind me.

“Tu satis iam iustus exisisto” - You are enough, just be.

I have no regerts! 

And So Are You 

Our brains are amazing creations however you believe they came into existence. I have my own opinions. (No, it's not that one...)

And so are YOU!

The cosmic miracle that it took just to get YOU here, in your exact form, with all of your quirks and superhero abilities is almost immeasurable.

If you take nothing else away from today, know that fact.

I’m not talking fingerprints, tongue prints, irises, or any of the biometric stuff that is uniquely you. I am talking about the “YOUNESS” that is you. You're Beautiful.

Nobody, I mean NOBODY has walked your road, worn your shoes, AND sung your song. They can’t, it’s yours.

Someone, sometime, somewhere has been down your broken road of dreams, it’s inevitable. And most likely thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of people have worn similar shoes… so remember You’re Not Alone.

Everybody Hurts.

But nobody has carried the song you carry, down that road, in those shoes.

You are unique, you are special, YOU MATTER!!

 And you are Enough.

See Y'all next time.

Dewey

P.S. - If you’d like more content like this delivered weekly, head on over and sign up for the newsletter.

cover image - pexels - by Ric Rodrigues